Navigating Narcissistic Relationships & Anxiety | Noosa Heads Counselling
It is profoundly exhausting dealing with narcissistic dynamics—particularly if you are an empathetic or sensitive person who has a habit of quieting your own voice or struggling to step into your own power.
At their core, narcissistic personality traits often present as a deep sense of entitlement, a lack of empathy or care for others, and a tendency to use emotional manipulation to maintain control. Too often, this looks like someone deliberately going out of their way to make others feel small or uncertain.
And the sad reality? It often works. We end up feeling terrible about ourselves, and our deepest self-doubts surface. But in truth, the person posturing superiority wants that outcome. They often flip the narrative to act as though they are the victim, while the person with enough self-awareness to question the situation is left carrying the emotional weight. I have recently found myself in a people pleaser role and have had to spend time looking at the people around me and my own work, and want to be the first person to admit that this work is hard, complex, brings up layers of grief and old wounds and yet, beautiful, because it brings forward opportunities for us to move back into alignment.
Where does the word come from?
The term "narcissist" stems from the ancient Greek myth of Narcissus, a young man who fell so deeply in love with his own reflection in a pool of water that he couldn't tear himself away. Today, it describes an excessive focus on oneself, a grand sense of importance, and an insatiable need for admiration—paired with a distinct absence of genuine empathy for others.
While the myth paints a picture of extreme self-love, research offers a much deeper look into the psychology behind the behaviour. As Brené Brown writes in Daring Greatly:
"When I look at narcissism through the vulnerability lens, I see the shame-based fear of being ordinary. I see the fear of never feeling extraordinary enough to be noticed, to be lovable, to belong, or to cultivate a sense of purpose."
Looking at narcissism through this lens allows us to emotionally detach. It shows us that their behaviour is never actually a reflection of our worth; rather, it is a desperate defence mechanism masking deep, internal shame.
Energetically, being in this orbit is draining. But what drains us even more is trying to accommodate them, staying "nice," twisting ourselves to fit their needs, absorbing the backlash of our own sidelined values, and ultimately, trying to change or fix them.
The reality is that a narcissistic person will rarely take genuine accountability. And when we offer an emotional reaction, we are inadvertently giving them the exact "supply" they are looking for.
Unhooking from the Trap: The D.E.E.P. Framework
Thankfully, if you've experienced this, you are not alone. A wealth of research and clinical insight now exists to help us navigate these situations without bankrupting our emotional energy.
As the therapist Fritz Perls famously observed:
"We live in a house of mirrors and think we are looking out the windows."
In her book It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People, Dr. Ramani Durvasula offers a foundational framework designed to stop the cycle of emotional exhaustion.
We know instinctively that arguing or explaining ourselves to a narcissistic person almost always backfires. Why? Because when we explain, we expose our core feelings and vulnerabilities, giving high-conflict people raw material to use, twist, and hurt us. Sometimes we end up doing so because we don’t feel safe, and it can be challenging to stand up for ourselves when we don’t.
To unhook from this cycle, remember D.E.E.P.:
D — Don't Defend: Avoid justifying your choices, worth, or feelings.
E — Explain less: Keep your communication factual, simple, and brief.
E — Excuse nothing: Stop apologising for having basic standards or boundaries.
P — Personalise nothing: Remind yourself that their behaviour is a reflection of their internal blueprint, not your worth.
Action-Based Boundaries: Lessons from Dr. Les Carter
Dr. Les Carter takes a highly practical approach to boundaries: A boundary is never about controlling someone else’s behaviour; it is about deciding what you will do.
It is our responsibility to discover our own limits and honour them. In healthy relationships, we communicate our boundaries directly. But around narcissistic people, direct emotional conversations often feel unsafe. You don't need their agreement to set a boundary. You use a boundary to reclaim your own power.
Instead of trying to control them: "Stop being passive-aggressive, or I'm going to leave!"
Own your power and take action: "I'm going to step away now. We can speak another time."
Setting boundaries requires real courage. It is especially challenging around narcissistic individuals because they actively look for a reaction, and when we feel vulnerable, it takes immense effort not to give them one.
As Brené Brown reminds us later in Daring Greatly:
"Vulnerability is not winning or losing; it's having the courage to show up and be seen when we have no control over the outcome."
When we set a boundary with a high-conflict person, we cannot control how they will react. Choosing to stand in our power anyway—despite the uncertainty—is the very definition of true courage.
Deepening the Healing: Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy
While frameworks like D.E.E.P. give us real-time behavioural tools, Internal Family Systems (IFS) Therapy (developed by Dr. Richard Schwartz) helps us heal the internal wounds that narcissistic abuse leaves behind.
In IFS, we understand that the mind is made up of different "Parts" led by a core, compassionate Self:
The People-Pleasing Part (Manager): The part of you that tries to stay "nice," over-explain, or keep the peace so the narcissistic individual doesn't explode.
The Anxious/Triggered Part (Firefighter): The part that gets overwhelmed, reacts defensively, or wants to retreat when safety feels threatened.
The Exiles (Wounded Parts): The deep childhood wounds or past experiences that make us feel unvalued, unseen, or undeserving of respect.
When you're around a narcissistic person, your "Manager" or "Firefighter" parts take over to protect you. IFS therapy helps you step back into your grounded Self—the part of you that holds wisdom, calm, and clarity. From the Self, you can lead your life with clear boundaries without letting protective anxiety run the show.
Honouring Your Need for Safety
It is completely normal to express yourself clearly when you feel safe, and to find it emotionally overwhelming when you don't. Recognising this difference within yourself isn't a weakness; it's evidence. It shows you clearly which environments nourish you, which people feel safe, and where you need to adjust your presence.
If you are feeling vulnerable right now, try these protective steps:
Remove the Emotion (Save it for Safety): Process your true feelings with a safe friend, therapist, or support network. When you are in the room with a high-conflict person, imagine a protective bubble around yourself.
Practice the "Grey Rock" Technique: Give calm, intentionally neutral, and short answers to minimise emotional drama.
Radical Acceptance: Accept that these personality patterns stem from deep-seated insecurity and a lack of self-awareness. They may never see your side—and accepting that allows you to stop waiting for their validation.
Recommended Books & Video Resources for Support
If you want to dive deeper into these frameworks, these expert resources offer incredible guidance:
Books
Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead by Brené Brown
It’s Not You: How to Identify and Heal from Narcissistic People by Dr. Ramani Durvasula
When Pleasing You Is Killing Me by Dr. Les Carter
No Bad Parts: Healing Trauma and Restoring Wholeness Through Internal Family Systems by Dr. Richard Schwartz
Educational Channels & Media
DoctorRamani (YouTube): In-depth guides on identifying narcissistic traits, gaslighting, and recovery.
Surviving Narcissism with Dr. Les Carter (YouTube): Practical video tutorials on boundary setting, maintaining dignity, and high-conflict resolution.
How Online Counselling Can Help
Navigating high-conflict relationships and emotional manipulation takes a real, heavy toll. You don't have to carry the distress alone or figure out your boundaries in isolation.
Through online counselling for narcissistic abuse and boundary-setting, we can work together using evidence-based approaches like IFS and narrative therapy to restore your self-worth, calm your nervous system, and step back into your personal power.
Please email me if you need support, you need someone to listen to you and help you understand the dynamics at play. Support can make the world of difference.
With care,
Alana x